I read over my last few posts across the last two years and one thing stood out to me, I am still stuck. The feeling of not knowing has not left me. Yes I went to Bali like I wanted to, and yes I loved it, but the empty, lost feeling is still there. I still feel like I should have spent more time away, but I realise there is no way I could not do hostel living again which is why I go on Contiki's where I share with one other person. I've also realised long haul flights irritate me, so the Fiji trip may always be a dream, and one of my biggest regrets for not doing it while I was in Oz.
My friends are now at different stages in their lives, long term relationships and babies beckons for them, so even girls trips away are not realistic. I am single so trips away with a significant other also won't happen. Solo trips however will. Somehow though I find this strange. I love being alone, I like to take myself away from things, but I am 24 and I feel that it is slightly weird to that on your own so young. However, do I care? No. If i need to take time away on my won't then it is something I am going to do. I am quite independent and I have no problem being on my own, but sometimes it is comforting to have someone with you, and sometimes, just sometimes, I crave that comfort.
A running theme throughout is a sense of unfulfillment, and I do not know how to cure that. I am stuck in the same position that I was two and half years ago when I came home from travelling. I still need to save for a mortgage but I also want to go the Philippines, Maldives, Dubai and Amsterdam in the next two years. Is that attainable while living in London? No. Is that the reason I feel so lost? Maybe.
I just don't know how to shake this feeling that has manifested over two years. I thought travel would help, but it has just made it worse.
"You'll be fine. Feeling unsure and lost in part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a deep breath. You'll be okay. Even if you don't feel okay all the time."